January 11, 2010
It was scheduled to start at 9:30 sharp in the morning, and everyone was already seated when the CEO entered the conference room fifteen minutes late. Although there were only top executives in the room, a couple looked worried. Others appeared eager to just get the meeting over so they could get out of there. The only thing the attendees had been told was that no reports or paperwork were necessary, and, in fact, to bring no note pads or bags. But they didn’t have to wait long to find out what the meeting was about. As soon as the double-entry doors were securely closed and he was certain no one was in the room that wasn’t suppose to be there, the CEO spoke: “We’re hear to discuss the upcoming bonuses”. With that, all faces turned to smiles — this was going to a good meeting.
The meeting took place in a major financial firms’ board room. A room that had cost more than fourteen million dollars so as to ensure complete and total privacy; it was sound proof, and reliable electronic equipment was installed to make certain no monitoring devices could be planted without discovery. The walls were fourteen inches think and sound proof. There were no outside windows. The only way in and out of the room was through the two sets of doors. Between the doors was a six foot empty space with anti-noise devices built into the floor, walls, overhead and interior door, designed to shield any and all sounds coming from the room. Over the years dozens of meetings had been held here that justified the cost. And this meeting was certainly one of them. However, unknown to everyone in the room, the architects had overlooked one small flaw that could be exploited by someone with determination. But no one inside the company was aware of this Achilles heal.
After soon as he was seated, the CEO said “as you are all aware, executive bonuses have come under a lot of fire this past year. So the substance of the meeting is to plan a strategy that will minimize that and get us past the storm as quickly as possible. I want all ideas on the table. So lets get started. Who’s first!”
After a couple of quirky starts, a woman near the opposite end of the long table said “I don’t really understand what the big deal is. Why should we be concerned with what anyone says or thinks!? So what that we’ve taken nearly $100 billion from the government!? We’ve worked hard for this money and we all deserve it!”
Feeling safe from prying ears, she was quickly reminded that without the government money, there’d not only be no bonuses, there’d be no company to hand out bonuses. Then another laughingly told her “those poor taxpayers somehow think there’s a problem with their money being used to pay our bonuses”. And when another randomly said that a lot of the TARP money had been returned, someone else reminded him that the money to repay the TARP funds had come from other government sources. Finally someone told the room “these ‘misconceptions’ by the taxpayers are real and must be addressed”.
This kind of back-and-forth went on for the better part of an hour when the CEO finally spoke. “So what I’m hearing is that we all think we should pay out the bonuses in full and just let the chips fall where they may. Is that right?” There were several acknowledgements with a couple of uncertainties. “So how do we handle those on the Hill and the White House?”
Finally, after about thirty minutes of getting no where with that one, a talking head seated near the CEO spoke for the first time. “Look, everybody! You’re overlooking the most important factors here — and that’s who we are and who we control”. After a brief pause, he went on. “We all know which side of the political isle we are going to have a problem with. And we know we will get little or no public support from the White House. But in private, none of them will cause much trouble. We know and they know there’s little any of them can do. We holds all the purse strings, and they know it. Without us they’d have little chance of getting through election season. Added to that, we’ve succeeded in convincing all of them that if the firm goes down, the country goes down; and without us, the firm goes down, and — without the bonuses, we walk — or at least they believe we’ll walk. We’ve been very successful in planting all the right seeds. Besides, we’re bigger and stronger than ever. When it’s all said and done, we tell them; they don’t tell us. And don’t forget who’s now at the head’s of the government vaults, especially the Treasury. What it all adds up to is we’re the government. Which means we—have—no—problems!”
It quickly became obvious that everyone around the table already knew all this, but none had had the fortitude to mention it first. But now that it had been said, you could almost hear a sigh of relief from everyone. The bonuses would be forth coming, and no one could do anything about it.
The CEO sat quietly for a few moments, then said “I was beginning to think I was going to have to sit here all day and listen to this crap. Sure, we’ll have to put up with some bad publicity and a few outraged taxpayers, but that’s about all it will amount to. But don’t worry about that; we have the best public relations firms money can buy, and there’s plenty of unpaid “public relation” organizations who will be justifying the bonuses day and night over the air waves. We’ll all commit to giving ten percent of our bonus to charity, and that’ll lessen the sting. In fact, I’ll see to it that the donations get a lot of publicity and positive reviews. We’ll put some poor schmucks on the air to tell the world they’d be starving to death if not for our donations. Everyone here will still have a ton of money to take to the bank — no pun intended. And if pocketing tens of millions of dollars isn’t worth that minor bit of inconvenience, then maybe you don’t deserve a bonus”. With that, he turned to the talking head and said “Now lets get out of here and go buy somebody”.
The meeting was over.
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